


drinking games

by toriiixoox



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst and Feels, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Growth, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Partying, Personal Growth, Pining, Possessive Behavior, So take that as you will, Tsukki is lowkey/highkey toxic ok, i technically think it has a hopeful ending but my two beta readers disagree, lowkey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25754188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toriiixoox/pseuds/toriiixoox
Summary: There were two different sides to Tsukishima Kei.1. A salty, bitter, cocky but can exceed every expectation, too smart for his own good and makes sure that you know it, arrogant in both a hot way and a way that makes you roll your eyes so far back that you get a headache, self-absorbed but for good reason, incredibly attractive middle blocker for Karasuno’s Volleyball Team.2. Yamaguchi’s Tsukishima Kei.Alternatively: It's not unusual for Tsukishima to beg Yamaguchi to come with him to a party in the middle of the week and leave him alone on the couch while he hangs out with his friends, but tonight feels different somehow.
Relationships: ((one of these relationships does NOT end well ok)), Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 29
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry i wrote this 
> 
> i'm not really planning on making a second part to this, but if it does good? i might? honestly, I'm already thinking about it because my beta readers are trying to convince me to. so if u like it, lmk!

There were two different sides to Tsukishima Kei. 

  1. A salty, bitter, cocky but can exceed every expectation, too smart for his own good and makes sure that you know it, arrogant in both a hot way and a way that makes you roll your eyes so far back that you get a headache, self-absorbed but for good reason, incredibly attractive middle blocker for Karasuno’s Volleyball Team. 
  2. Yamaguchi’s Tsukishima Kei. 



No one else has ever seen side 2 of Tsukishima Kei, thus, it doesn’t exist. How could it actually exist if the only person that knows about it doesn't even have the courage to vouch for it? As long as no one else is around, like,  _ absolutely sure _ , that no one is around, then Tsukishima Kei is funny and flirty and  _ kind _ . It doesn’t matter if he’s drunk, high, or sober, Tsukishima Kei is the same person as long as  _ nobody  _ is around except for Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi has seen it far too many times, this side of Tsukishima. He knows it all too well. He also is painfully aware that he’s the only one that gets to see it. Even Tsukishima’s multiple girlfriends never got to see this completely different person. Why they were even with him without knowing how overly sweet and considerate he could be is beyond Yamaguchi, but it’s not his job to ask questions. 

Honestly, he’s not really sure  _ what _ exactly his job is. To take care of Tsukki? To make sure he’s around when Tsukki needs him? To share this secret alter-ego that no one else gets to know about? To be desperately in love with someone who doesn’t exist in real-life scenarios? It doesn’t matter, frankly, whether he’s firm in the role he plays or not, because he’s going to do whatever it is anyway. 

Tonight, his job is to just be with Tsukki. It’s almost unnerving how quickly the two sides of Tsukishima can flitter back and forth, how seamless the transition is, and how unnoticeable any signs of Yamaguchi’s Tsukishima Kei are when he reverts back to “himself”. 

Before they’ve even left to go to the party, Yamaguchi knows that he’s in for maybe the longest night of his life. Tsukki had been the one that wanted to go in the first place, telling him that they would have a good time, that Kuroo invited him and everyone was going to be there. He begged, pleaded, told him that he couldn’t go without him, that it wouldn’t be as fun, that there would be no point if Yamaguchi wouldn’t be his date. Of course, Yamaguchi agrees.

The hour that he spends at Tsukki’s house before making their way to the party is almost like every other time they’re alone.  _ Almost. _ This time, Tsukki has already had a few drinks, pregaming while Yamaguchi stays sober like always. Tsukishima is whining some sentences about how Yamaguchi can’t leave his side tonight. This is normal. Tsukki often mumbled things like this before they actually got to the party and Tsukki would go off and do his own thing, but the words that follow after are much more direct than usual. 

“Yams, whenever I’m not around, guys are always staring at you,” Tsukki narrows his eyes, just thinking about this fictitious scenario he’s created in his head. “So you have to promise to stay close, yeah? I don’t like the way they look at you like I want to look at you.” Yamaguchi wants to ask him why he can’t look at him like that if that’s what he wants to do, but he doesn’t, afraid of what the answer might be if Tsukki is too honest. 

He knows that by the time they make it to the party, he’ll probably have forgotten all about this promise he’s nudging Yamaguchi into making, so he makes it to appease him. “Of course, Tsukki.” When that’s not enough, he continues on, offering a gentle smile to convince him, “Why else am I going if not for you?” 

The corners of Tsukki’s mouth are pulled upwards creating one of the most beautiful sights Yamaguchi has ever seen. He wants to reach out and caress his cheek, but he knows that if Tsukki’s not the one to initiate it, he’ll pull away so fast that they’ll both get dizzy. So he sits, waiting patiently for Tsukki to finish his drink and make a move so that he can feel his touch. 

It comes, obviously, once he’s set down the bottle, smirk still dancing on his face. Yamaguchi knows this situation all too well, knows Tsukki all too well, that of course, he knows what comes next. His lips taste like beer and his touch is more possessive tonight than most nights, but as an honest to God  _ giggle _ bubbles up Tsukki’s throat, erupting from his chest, he can’t even be bothered to pay attention to anything else. He presses kisses into the side of Yamaguchi’s neck, laughing the entire time before pulling away completely, the coolness of the air taking place where Tsukishima’s body was just instants ago. He’s already putting on his shoes, his mind getting ready to change back over to his usual self the moment that he sees another person. 

But for now… For now, he grabs Yamaguchi’s hand and leads him outside, handing him his car keys and letting his fingers linger for far too long. 

* * *

Before they even get to the party, Tsukki is changing before his eyes. His giggles are getting deeper and fewer until he forgets what they’ve sounded like when it was just the two of them. His lips are changing from an upward curve to a straight line above his chin, his jawline strong from how hard he’s clenching his teeth together. It’s weird, though, because Yamaguchi knows that he typically stays the same until the last possible second. 

Except this isn’t typical Tsukishima. This is still Yamaguchi’s Tsukishima Kei, but not the fun, flirty one. No, this is even rarer. Tsukishima’s staring out the passenger side window. He knows that as soon as they turn down the next street, he’s not going to have time to finish talking before he’s at the party, so he has to talk quickly. 

“She broke up with me yesterday.” 

Oh.  _ Oh. _ That’s why they were going to this party. That’s why Yamaguchi is sober and driving an on-his-way-to-being-intoxicated-Tsukki to Kuroo’s party so urgently this weekend. 

“Why?” Yamaguchi asks, but he already knows the answer. He always knows the answer. Tsukishima Kei, the one that actually exists, does not understand how feelings work. He doesn’t know, nor does he care, about anyone other than himself. His seemingly rigid exterior, though tempting to try to break down, is not just an exterior, but rather his entire body. 

Tsukishima just shrugs, head pressed against the window, his shoulders softly bobbing up and down. Even if Yamaguchi were to take a picture of this moment, getting hard proof of the fact that Tsukki is crying, no one would believe him. They would sooner believe that this is an alien mimicking Tsukishima or that Yamaguchi had just gotten really good at photoshop. 

But Yamaguchi knows it’s true. He reaches his hand over, placing it gently on his shoulder and rubbing his thumb in small circles until Tsukki sits up straight, leaning into his touch. “She doesn’t matter, Tsukki. Remember, I’m by your side all night, okay?” Tsukishima nods, placing a small kiss into the hand on his shoulder and Yamaguchi almost believes himself as he feels a small smile against the back of his hand. 

* * *

Immediately after Tsukki’s door opens, his entire body changes. He’s back to looking like he’s never cried in his entire life like he’s far too good for something like that. Even still, he walks closely to Yamaguchi, glaring at anyone who stares. He’s not sure if he’s glaring because they’re walking closely or he’s worried about eyes lingering on Yamaguchi as he’d mentioned earlier. 

Bokuto is the first person to notify everyone in the entire house that Tsukki is here. Hearing Yamaguchi’s nickname come out of his mouth and watching Tsukki not correct it has him already feeling defeated before the night even starts. “Tsukki’s here! Tsukki’s here! Kaashi! Tsukki’s here!” 

“I see that, yes, Bokuto-san, Tsukishima is, indeed, here.” Akaashi nods at Tsukishima and then at Yamaguchi. Akaashi is seemingly the only person who notices that Yamaguchi is there as well. He’s sure this will be a common theme tonight. 

“Kuroo! Tsukki is here!” Bokuto is now screaming with purpose, which is somehow worse. His head is swiveling viciously, looking 360 degrees around him. Even with his complete field of vision, it’s not until Akaashi rests his hand on his shoulder and points at the incoming Kuroo who practically jumps onto Tsukki’s back that Bokuto notices him. 

“Tsukki! I’m so glad you could make it!” Kuroo’s face is completely lit up as his hands linger on Tsukishima’s shoulders as he talks to him. 

Tsukki had never really fit in with anyone from Karasuno. Yamaguchi was basically his only friend there. He didn’t get along with Hinata or Kageyama or any of the 2nd or 3rd years. When they had gone to training camp, Tsukishima had finally met people that pushed him, that could keep up with him, that looked past all of his insane moodiness and just enjoyed his company. Yamaguchi didn’t see a lot of Tsukishima during that week.

Come to think of it, whenever Tsukki is around Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi, he never sees him much. When the three older guys aren’t around, Tsukishima isn’t with anyone other than Yamaguchi, sticking with him constantly as if he’s afraid of being alone, but when they’re around, Yamaguchi’s quietness and presence goes unnoticed. He’s used to feeling this small.

“What? Like I was going to miss a chance to come to your lame ass party? I would never,” Tsukishima rolls his eyes, clicking his tongue, but letting a cocky smirk rise on his face. Okay,  _ usually _ , he’s used to feeling this small. His mind flashes back to mere hours ago when Tsukishima begged him to come with him because otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to go. Would he have gone anyways? Did Tsukki need him at all? 

“Yams, you’re not drinking right?” As if he has to ask. He’s so confident in the response that he’ll get from Yamaguchi that before Yamaguchi can even think to answer, Tsukki is gone. He’s disappeared through the crowd of people, acting annoyed, but ultimately laughing, as Kuroo pulls him by the hand and Bokuto pushes his back. 

It was a gamble, now, how the rest of the party would turn out. Most nights, Tsukki doesn’t even notice Yamaguchi until it’s time to go home. Instead, he spends his time with his older friend group, drinking, laughing, and acting like Tsukishima Kei acts when he’s not alone with Yamaguchi. 

On these nights, Yamaguchi sits on an empty couch or up against a wall not crowded with people that are too loud and too much in his space. While Tsukki does things that you actually are supposed to do at a party, like enjoy yourself, Yamaguchi occupies his time with his rapidly dying phone, sneaking peeks at Tsukki as often as he can. When his phone dies completely, because it always did, they’re no longer peeks, but a subtle constant gaze. He watches intently, trying to look as unconcerned as he can fake as he counts the number of drinks that Tsukki finishes, hearing the encouragements from his friends as they hand him another one. The bigger the number, the needier he knows Tsukki will be when they get back to his place. 

But on some rare nights, Tsukki will drag Yamaguchi along with him, pulling him through the hordes of people like Kuroo’s doing to Tsukki right now. His other friends don’t really pay much attention to Yamaguchi, they have nothing in common after all, but intermittently Tsukki will relate the conversation back to him, asking him about his opinion or if he remembers  _ “that time when…”  _ He looks forward to these nights. 

On  _ really  _ rare nights, often when one of the Gym 3 members is absent and the dynamic of the 4 is gone, Tsukki will forgo his other friends all together. These nights are Yamaguchi’s favorite. The tiniest possibility of it happening drives his motivation for attending with Tsukki more than anything else. They sneak away from all of the noise that the party has to offer, climbing onto the back of the roof one night and walking a few streets down on another. 

One night, they found themselves in an off-limit bathroom, crossing into the pristine portion of the house that was behind a locked door. Tsukki giggled as he muttered something about “should have hidden the key better then.” Yamaguchi giggled because Tsukki’s hand never left his waist despite the possibility of someone walking in on them and their intrusion. The bathroom looked untouched, two spotless sinks sat side by side, a lavish bathtub adorned with soaps and candles, an open shower, the head so large that it probably felt like it was raining underneath it, huge. Not that it mattered, any of it. It could have been an eighth of the size and they would have fit comfortably with how closely they were pushed up together. He remembers the taste of Tsukki’s lips so vividly, the feeling of his calloused hands underneath his shirt, the way his legs felt wrapped around Tsukki’s waist. His heart flutters at the recollection. 

One look at Tsukki already finishing his first drink and he knows that he won’t be so lucky tonight. Tonight, he assumes, will fall under the most nights category. He knows exactly what’s going to happen, every event that’s going to unfold tonight. The first step is Yamaguchi finding a permanent place for the night. He could probably go and grab a soda from the kitchen if he was so inclined, but the thought of Tsukki leaving Yamaguchi’s sight worries him.

So he sits on the couch, watching Tsukki chug his drink far too quickly. Bokuto is cheering him on, laughing as his palm makes contact with his upper back. Akaashi pulls Bokuto away from Tsukki, resting a hand on Tsukki’s shoulder while he’s coughing. The entire time, Kuroo is holding his stomach, hyena-like laughter ripping from his throat so loudly that Yamaguchi can hear it over the blaring music. Through everything, a smirk resides on Tsukki’s face. 

After alcohol,  _ adequate amounts of alcohol _ , Yamaguchi knows that dancing comes next. It’s not really dancing, perse, but rather, Tsukki standing in the middle of the floor talking to Akaashi while the remaining duo dances with each other, circling them. When a notably great song comes on, Tsukki will start tapping his foot and bobbing his head. 

So far, he’s right on track. Everything that’s happening right now, he’s seen before in his head barely two minutes ago. The next step is a divide between the group. It sounds worse than it is. It comes after several more drinks and too much “dancing” than it feels like Tsukki would be able to tolerate. It  _ sounds _ like they get into a huge fight and storm off in different directions. What actually happens is Akaashi gets tipsier and tipsier as he sips on his drink and the dynamic shifts. What was previously Akaashi and Tsukishima dealing with Bokuto and Kuroo is now Akaashi hanging all over Bokuto, and Tsukishima complaining to Kuroo for the rest of the night. 

Right on cue, Akaashi buries himself into Bokuto’s chest, his face is so red that Yamaguchi can see the color from all the way where he’s sitting without even trying. Here’s where the vision in his head, the prediction that he had for this night, falters just a bit. Akaashi pushes himself up, his mouth right next to his ear as he whispers something inaudible. Bokuto’s facial expression changes so quickly in a matter of seconds before he nods enthusiastically, grabbing Akaashi’s hand and leaving silently. Kuroo and Tsukki are talking about something so vividly that they don’t even notice their friends leave. 

Kuroo notices first, stopping their conversation by wrapping his hand around Tsukki’s forearm and looking completely around him. They won’t find where they’ve gone too. Yamaguchi knows that they’ve slinked upstairs, probably to an off-limit room like Tsukki and he had all that time ago. Once the surprise and confusion leave their faces, it’s replaced with rapturous laughter. Kuroo first, emulating the same cackle from early. This, of course, causes Tsukki to hide behind his cup, laughing at how ridiculous Kuroo sounds. It’s just the two of them standing there in the spot that was once made for four, but they haven’t moved away from each other. Observing further, he realizes that Kuroo’s hand is still on Tsukki’s wrist and neither of them is complaining. Why isn’t Tsukki pulling away? If Yamaguchi’s hand had lingered that long, Tsukki would have pulled away in disgust with this many people surrounding them. 

Tsukki doesn’t retract his arm from Kuroo. He offers his other one, resting it on top of Kuroo’s, fingers grasping around it gently to ensure they don’t move away. Their conversation is steady, getting quieter and quieter as time moves forward. Yamaguchi assumes that it gets quieter because they just keep getting closer to one another.

Tsukki does not even look in Yamaguchi’s direction. In fact, he doesn’t move his head at all. He doesn’t swivel his head anxiously to see who might be around or staring. Every move that he makes is so confident in itself, no hesitation slowing the movements. If the movements are slow, and some of them are, it’s because Tsukki’s making them slow, maybe to tease Kuroo or mock Yamaguchi or just because he likes to think he’s in control. 

His sight is completely locked onto Tsukki as he drapes both of his arms around Kuroo’s neck, looking into his eyes the same way that he looks into Yamaguchi’s when it’s just the two of them. He’s starting to feel sick. He wants to look away. He  _ needs  _ to look away for his own sanity, but he  _ can’t. _

He can’t, not when Tsukki is blushing as Kuroo presses his nose into his neck, picking him up so easily. Yamaguchi could never do that. 

Yamaguchi is  _ waiting _ , waiting for Tsukki to squirm in disgust and hit Kuroo until he puts him down. He’s waiting for a squeal that signifies that he’s annoyed or a sharp jab of Kuroo’s name, waiting for Tsukki to turn his head so marginally that he can make eye contact with him. He doesn’t know if Tsukki can feel his gaze, but if he can, he doesn’t care. Yamaguchi doesn’t know which scenario is worse. Tsukki is focusing so earnestly on his every movement. 

He’s waiting so long that it doesn’t even feel like waiting anymore. Tsukki doesn’t squirm in Kuroo’s arms, he holds onto his neck so tightly that Kuroo couldn’t put him down if he wanted to. (He obviously doesn’t want to.) Tsukki doesn’t squeal or jab at the fact that he can’t touch the ground, strong arms supporting him. When he finally does touch the ground, he pouts at Kuroo who teases him but makes up for it by tightening his grasp on his hips. 

Every way that the night played out in his head, it ended with Yamaguchi taking Tsukki, in all of his intoxication and necessity, home safely. 

Yamaguchi was convinced that the entire reason they were at the party was so that Tsukki could get drunk enough to justify a rebound. As soon as Tsukki told him that his girlfriend had broken up with him, he was  _ positive _ that that’s how the night would end. He knows that Tsukki would have gone back to his room with him, crawled into bed, and started kissing him to make him feel better about himself. No matter how horrible it was for his own self-esteem, he would have preferred it every time to watching this scene develop in front of him. 

The thought crosses his mind that maybe that’s what’s happening. Maybe Tsukki is just looking for a rebound that isn’t Yamaguchi. 

But the look in his eyes, the way that he’s not trying to sneak away the first chance that he gets, the carelessness on his lips, the unwavering touch, they’re all proof that this probably isn’t just a rebound. This is a long time coming. 

“Hey, staring isn’t very polite, y’know?” The voice startles him, but not as much as the weight on the couch next to him. He turns his head, admittingly more embarrassed than he thought he would be having been caught staring at this seemingly intimate scene. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, turning his head to look, instead, at the person that the voice is coming from. He’s met with soft eyes and a pouty looking smile, blonde hair half pinned up to the side of her head, and a phone resting in her hand that’s gesturing towards the view he was staring at, a tiny charm dangling back and forth as she moves the phone. 

“No need to apologize to me,” she shrugs, pulling her phone back into her lap, no longer rudely pointing out where Yamaguchi’s eyes were fixated before her interruption. “I pointed it out, but, yeah, not me.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes are back toward Tsukki and Kuroo for a brief moment. He’s trying his best not to stare, especially after being called out. Kuroo makes it easy for him when he kisses the side of his cheek so blatantly and Tsukki doesn’t even flinch. His face contorts before turning his head back to the girl. “I’m Yamaguchi,” he says, moving the conversation forward, hoping that there are some grounds to distract himself from the events happening 20 feet away from him. 

“You don’t seem like you’re having a very good time, Yamaguchi,” she’s shameless in her forward remarks. It’s true, anyway. Yamaguchi is definitely not having a good time. So he agrees with her, nodding his head and impatiently wanting to look back at Tsukki. “I’m Yachi, by the way.” She returns the introductions. She waits for a second, chewing on her lip in thoughtful abstraction. “If you’re not having a good time, we could leave.” 

The astonishment is evident on Yamaguchi’s face as soon as the words register in his mind. Yamaguchi had never left Tsukki, not once, not even when he insisted on leaving with Kuroo, Bo, and Akaashi to get bagel bites from the store and didn’t return until 8 in the morning. He was there to look after him, to give him a ride home  _ (as if he’ll need a ride home, it’s Kuroo’s house, after all) _ , to be his  _ date _ . The word burns as it enters his mind. He’s nodding, a verbal confirmation leaving his mouth as Yachi’s face lights up. It’s not the worst thing in the world, leaving the party to go hang out with a pretty girl.

So why does it feel like it is? 

He walks toward the door, following Yachi closely behind. He can’t stop his head from turning back, watching Tsukki one last time before not seeing him for the rest of the night. What he wanted so long ago, the tiny bit of eye contact, finally comes to him. Tsukishima is distracted by the confusion for a moment, Yamaguchi can see it in his body language. The first thing that Yamaguchi thinks is that he wants to stay, but Yachi has grabbed his hand, apologizing for the contact, but not letting go. His eyes are forward now, attempting to just stay focused on the task at hand,  _ leaving _ . 

The cool air outside is refreshing, filling his lungs with the only good breath he’s gotten all night. Yachi seems to be enjoying it too. As much as he likes looking at her, everything inside of him is screaming to check on Tsukki one more time. His neck itches, needing to turn back around, to gaze at him through the closed screen door, framed so perfectly by the metal and mesh. 

Looking back, he’s expecting to see the concern on Tsukki’s face so deep that he has to turn back around and apologize and drive him home. Instead, he’s met with his profile pressed up against Kuroo’s, his hands snaking up to grasp the back of his neck and pull him harder into him. Their kiss is different from the ones that he got to experience. This one was unapologetic, loud, and  _ so sure of itself _ . Neither one of them were going to shy away or regret what was happening, they look way too happy to. Kuroo is walking backward, pure instinct and trust guiding him until he’s at the base of the stairs, his hands gripped strongly onto Tsukki’s waist, pulling him with him. He can’t watch the scene any longer. His stomach and blurry eyes make sure of this.

“You coming?” Yachi asks, already twenty paces ahead of Yamaguchi. He takes in another great breath, nodding as he wipes his eyes on the back of his sleeve. 

“Coming,” Yamaguchi calls ahead, walking as fast as he can to catch up with Yachi, but more so, to get as far away from Tsukki as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Leave me a tip or commission me! ](https://ko-fi.com/toriiixoox)
> 
> thank you so much for reading! feel free to leave a comment and/or a kudo! they are more appreciated than you know!!!
> 
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	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it only took me over 2 months and constantly listening to an [insp playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5yLJgN4H9SaWOArAikDFkB?si=haVRdB2mRsK-YSCtES-J7w) to FINALLY post this second part,,, HOPE YOU ENJOY,,

Looking back on that night, the memory could have burned so much more than it did. Make no mistake, it  _ hurt _ . Every time that Yamaguchi’s mind flickered back to that night his chest felt tight and his throat felt like it was closing up and his hands would start tingling or lose feeling altogether. His breaths would get shallower and sometimes he’d have to squeeze his eyes really tight to get the image of Tsukki kissing Kuroo out of his head. 

But he also knows that after the thought of Tsukki drunk in Kuroo’s grasp subsides, he remembers leaving. He remembers everything that happened after the party. If Yachi wasn’t there, if she didn’t push him to leave that night, there would have been no good memories attached to that party. It would have been a constant memory of hurt and betrayal instead of a memory that started out that way but then transformed into new foundations. 

That night, after he left, Yachi and Yamaguchi drove around town with no plans to go anywhere in particular. Yachi talked for most of the drive, which, now that Yamaguchi actually  _ knows _ Yachi, was really unusual for her. Looking back on it, Yamaguchi just thinks that she knew how much he needed someone else to do the talking. He liked just listening to her voice as he drove. She never really talked about anything serious, only skipped from light topic to light topic, occasionally prompting Yamaguchi with a question, but mostly just droning on about stupid things that didn’t matter. He liked that. 

They found themselves on the shoreline. Yachi told him to pull over and he listened. They sat on the hood of his car for hours, just looking at the ocean. This time, she didn’t try to fill the silence with funny subjects or light-hearted banter. She let the sound of the waves crashing surround the air around them until she finally asked.

“Who was that?” Unlike the rest of the night, her voice was timid and small, especially compared to the grandness of the sea in front of them. 

Yamaguchi wanted to play dumb. He wanted to let this part of the conversation drone on for longer than necessary so that he didn't have to talk about it. He knew that he should talk about it. He’s kept it a secret for so long from  _ everyone _ , literally everybody. He couldn’t tell his best friend, Tsukki was his best friend. He let the salty air into his lungs and exhaled it right back out. It’ll probably feel good to talk about it. 

“That was my best friend,” Yamaguchi said. That wasn’t anything he hadn’t said aloud many times before. He expected Yachi to ask questions or try to piece it together herself or to talk about her own speculations, but she stayed silent, her position unmoved, staring at the sky and nodding along softly. “He, uh… It’s weird, I don’t know how to describe it.” He’s quiet, thinking it over in his head for a few moments. “I’m in love with him and I thought he was in love with me, I guess.” He swallows thickly. “But I know he’s not now and that’s good for me, I think. I mean, it feels bad, but I think it’s good… That I know, at least.” 

“Why did you think he was?” Yachi asked after allowing enough time to make sure that he was done. 

“He’d tell me he was,” Yamaguchi answered, “when we were alone. And we would kiss and he would smile at me in a way he never smiled at anything else.”

“When you were alone?” she questioned, turning her head to look at Yamaguchi’s side profile. He wasn’t feeling strong enough to look her in the eyes yet. 

“When we were around other people or in public or if there was any chance of people seeing us together, he’d never do anything close to that,” Yamaguchi shakes his head. “But when we were alone he made me feel so special that the rest didn’t really matter.” Yachi hums. “I just thought that’s how he loved.”

Yachi hummed again, more thoughtful this time, less like an answer and more like a precedent. “That’s not how people love, though.” She sounded so much more confident than she did with her first quiet sentence. It was definitive and decisive and bold. Yamaguchi had just admitted that he thought, past tense, that’s how he loved. Still, hearing it out loud from someone else caused his heart to ache. 

“I know,” he replied. It wasn’t convincing, but Yachi let it slide, resting the back of her head against the windshield again. He let the void of talking tick on, the atmosphere filling the space that the words weren’t. Only after the waves have exhausted themselves and even the bugs quieted down did Yamaguchi keep talking. “He let Kuroo kiss him and hug him and touch him in front of so many people,” he said, low, “He didn’t even hesitate. He knew I was there and he didn’t even hesitate.”

Quiet. 

“Well, he’s a shitty person then,” Yachi stated. Yamaguchi hummed this time in response. He knew it was true, but something in him stopped him from verbally replying. His head moved in a nodding-esque motion, but that’s as far as the agreement goes. They didn’t talk again until Yamaguchi read the time off of his phone and they got back in the car. 

That was the first of many conversations that he had with Yachi about his relationship and past with Tsukishima. After he dropped Yachi off at her house, he wasn’t sure if he would ever hear from her again or if he would always look back on that night with that girl who changed his night for the better. The following day, she texted him thanking him for last night and hoping that he was doing okay. 

It was easier the day after because of Yachi. With his phone filled with notifications from Yachi, he didn’t have to accept the reality of Tsukishima not texting him, not as harshly at least. That feeling crept in later in the day after he had been texting Yachi for the entire morning and afternoon. The hurt set in even worse when nighttime rolled around and Kuroo had posted a picture with Tsukishima where he was actually smiling, genuinely smiling and Tsukishima couldn’t even text to make sure Yamaguchi had made it home okay. 

He picked Yachi up and they drove back to the ocean. 

They talked for hours every night, feeling the summer air get cooler and cooler the longer they stayed out and the closer they got to the ocean. Everyday Yachi learned more about Tsukishima and every day she despised him even more. She tried to stay as civil as she could, but the closer that she and Yamaguchi got, the less her filter stayed on. 

Toward the end of the summer, Yamaguchi was beginning to move on both past his self-doubt and hurt and in his relationships. Somewhere in between the nightly ocean drives and how flustered and passionate Yachi was about how Yamaguchi was treated, Yamaguchi started feeling warm at her smile and how she looked when she was staring up at the moon. The realization hit him really hard at first. He stopped talking to her for a week straight, staying in his room and ruminating on if she even liked him at all. He obsessed over the fact that they only hung out with just the two of them. He didn’t bring it up to her, he felt stupid about the entire situation. He wasn’t even sure that he had fallen out of love with Tsukishima yet. 

He scrolled through Kuroo’s social media that week, basically torturing himself with photos and statuses with Tsukishima. He looked so happy, so genuinely happy. That side of Tsukishima that only Yamaguchi had seen, that had been hidden for so long, was right there in front of him on display for everyone to see. He wasn’t ashamed of it anymore, he was proud. There were still photos of Tsukishima looking annoyed or rolling his eyes or hiding from the camera and just trying to have a conversation with Akaashi. He was still the same Tsukishima that he was before, but now this second, secret side of him wasn’t secret anymore. Kuroo pulled it out of him, made him feel confident enough, safe enough, comfortable enough to display it.

That wasn’t fair to Yachi either, the way that Yamaguchi kept looking at Kuroo’s social media and seeing them on dates and double dates and in Tsukishima’s house and in the same spots that they would go together. It didn’t matter. He just wanted to stop talking to her, save her all of the complications that came with being involved with him, and then she would go away. Just like Tsukishima did. 

Except it wasn’t anything like Tsukishima. Yachi was texting Yamaguchi every day. There were no angry texts, no blaming messages with exclamation points and all caps. She asked him how his day was every single night. She would tell him about her day. She would tell him that she missed the ocean until one day she came to his house in her tiny car and demanded that they go. The way his heartbeat against his chest would never have allowed him to decline the invitation.

She just kept pushing. She kept trying. She refused to let him cave in on himself and destroy their relationship. “I’m not him, y’know,” she said quietly one night. “I know that you know that, but what I mean is that… I like you, Yama, but I’m going to like you outwardly and I’m not going to hide you because you’re worth so much more than that, and I know you’re scared, but I’m patient and I’m not him.”

He kissed her that night. It wasn’t rushed or nervous. He didn’t have to think about who was around or where he was or how long he was letting the kiss go on for. He didn’t have to at first, at least. As the kiss went on, he couldn’t help but feel the need to scan the room or apologize for it. In fact, he did apologize for it when he pulled away. She kissed him in response, hard, and shook her head. 

He felt worthy. He felt cared for. He felt, for the first time in so long, like he really mattered to someone. 

* * *

Yamaguchi isn’t exactly sure what he’s looking for when he makes plans to meet up with Tsukishima. Maybe he’s looking for the notion of closure, maybe he’s looking for an apology he knows that he won’t get, maybe he’s hoping for an explanation, maybe he just wants to hear his voice again, maybe he just wants to prove to him that he’s doing better, even if he does still have really hard days, maybe some part of him hoped that they could work towards being friends again, maybe he wanted to check on him and see how he was doing, maybe he just missed his best friend.

He’s not exactly sure what he’s expecting to happen when he sees Tsukishima for the first time. He’s hoping for some small aspect of kindness to reside on his face, but he’s just met with the same stoic expression that he always used to see when he was in public with Tsukishima. He doesn’t offer a smile or a wave, he just nods his head the slightest amount, not with respect or friendliness, just as acknowledgment, which is as much as he can hope for. 

“Hey,” Yamaguchi says timidly. He’s trying to test the waters, see where the conversation was going to go off the bat. 

“Hey,” Tsukishima replies. It’s not timid or kind like Yamaguchi’s, it’s much more irritable like he’s burdened by meeting up with him. He’s not sure what he was expecting exactly, but after being best friends for so many years and sharing the past they’ve shared, he at least expected him to have a sliver of compassion or care. 

Yamaguchi was going to follow it up with a question about how Tsukishima has been, but he can’t get it out. He knows that this can segue straight to talking about Kuroo and if that happens, he knows he’ll be sick to his stomach. They sit in silence. It’s not like the silence that Yachi and he sit in, the comfortable one that doesn’t make it feel like they can physically feel every second tick by. This silence is demanding and harsh. He knows that Tsukishima won’t say anything first, knows he’s too proud, too stubborn, knows that he has to talk first. 

“How have you been?” he finally asks. 

“Fine,” Tsukishima answers, not giving up any other information. Yamaguchi doesn’t know whether to be happy or annoyed. The conversation is like pulling teeth. Why did he agree to come in the first place if he was just going to be short the entire time? He wants to know. He thinks it might be Yachi’s sass that motivates him to say it out loud. 

“Why did you even come here if you’re just going to be an asshole?” He didn’t necessarily mean for it to come out like that. Yachi had just been calling him an asshole for the past few months. It just came out. He doesn’t regret it, not even when Tsukishima narrows his eyes at him in response. 

“Kuroo told me that it would be good for me.” Ouch. That definitely made everything a lot worse. He wasn’t even here because he wanted to be in the slightest. He was here because his boyfriend (??) told him that it would be good for him and  _ he listened _ . Someone told Tsukishima that something would be good for him and then he listened to them. 

“Right… Kuroo… How is he-,” Yamaguchi starts, walking on eggshells and feeling his heart take a hit with every syllable. 

“Don’t,” Tsukishima warns. If he was shooting warning stares before, now they were complete death glares. “Don’t do this. We’re not going to sit here and talk about how my boyfriend’s doing, okay?”  **_Ouch._ ** Yamaguchi had assumed, but that didn’t make him saying it any easier. 

Fine. If Tsukishima didn’t want to talk about how Kuroo was doing, Yamaguchi had plenty of other questions to ask. “Does he even know about me? About us?” Yamaguchi asks. His voice is far calmer than the one inside his head. His skin feels hot. 

“Why do you think I’m here? I told you that he’s the one that pushed me to come.”

“Yeah, he knows about me and that we were best friends, but does he know that you strung me along, lied to me, manipulated me, hurt me?” Yamaguchi asks, each point coming out harsher and harsher. He takes a breath after the question is done. 

“I told him everything. I tell him everything,” Tsukishima answers before also taking a deep breath and refocusing himself. The next sentence that comes out of his mouth is much softer, but that just makes it hurt so much more. “He’s really good for me.” He lets the air linger around the statement, lets it settle. “We’ve talked a lot about our relationship, mine and yours, and he’s really helped me. Our relationship was really shitty. Maybe I just needed him to realize that.”

Yamaguchi speaks so quickly that it almost overlaps. His voice almost cracks from the pure emotion that’s pouring out of it. “I was good for you. I loved you more than anything in the world and you hurt me a lot, but I was good to you. I was good for you. Why wasn’t that me? Why wasn’t I that for you?”

“It could never have been you. I wish, sometimes, that it could have been you, but it could never have been you. I was my worst self when I was with you,” Tsukishima says as non accusingly as he can, clearing his throat before continuing, “It’s not your fault, but I just… You’re too nice. You’re too forgiving. You’re too quiet. You’re too caring. You’re too kind. You’re too patient. You were bad for me like I was bad for you.”

Every good trait that Yamaguchi had attributed to himself all turned bitter in that moment. Every kind thing he would tell himself seemed tainted now. Tsukishima was telling him that every positive thing about him, every kind characteristic he had is the entire reason that their relationship was shitty. Every part of him wants to scream and yell and punch something, but he can’t. He can’t even be angry. He knows that it’s true. Tsukishima walked all over him, did whatever he wanted, and Yamaguchi just let him. He let the toxic behavior continue on because he liked feeling loved, but the fact that Tsukishima had the audacity to tell Yamaguchi that he hurt him like Tsukishima hurt him makes his blood boil.

“Don’t you dare compare what I did to what you did. You hurt me. You manipulated me. You kept me in secret. You never actually cared about me, I was just there to make you feel good about yourself. Just because my self-esteem was so low that that felt okay to me, just because you took advantage of that does not mean that we were bad for each other in the same way,” Yamaguchi says, each word coming out faster than the last, fueled by disbelief and rage.

Silence takes over for just a few moments. After Yamaguchi had talked for so long, the silence felt weird, foreign, very loud. “I don’t know what you wanted to get out of this,” Tsukishima says, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, you do,” Yamaguchi retorts, “You just refuse to give it to me because you’re a piece of shit.” Yamaguchi pushes the chair under the table, walking as calmly as he can with his hands shaking so hard that they can barely pull open the door. When he gets into his car, his forehead falls against the steering wheel and he cries harder than he has in his entire life, but his chest feels lighter and his thoughts feel more organized and even though he feels like that couldn’t have gone any worse, when the tears subside, he feels better than he has in years. 

* * *

Some days it’s hard. Some days send Yamaguchi into a panic when Yachi pulls her hand away too quickly when they step out in public. Some days Yamaguchi spends far too much time thinking about who else he hindered for far too long. Some days it takes hours to get over the tall blonde with glasses and the older looking guy with spiky dark hair that he mistook on the subway. Some days the world feels so heavy, so burdensome on Yamaguchi’s shoulders that he can barely get out of bed. 

But those days are becoming fewer and more far between as time moves on.

Some days when Yachi finishes her drink really fast before kissing him, he just laughs about how quickly she starts to flush. Some days he feels brave enough to watch the movies that he and Tsukishima would put on, but never really finish. Some days he feels strong enough to walk through the shortcut to his house from the train station and pass by the convenient store with Tsukishima’s favorite buns. Some days he doesn’t think about Tsukishima Kei at all. 

Slowly, it’s getting better. 

Every day it’s getting better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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